How to Lead Your Friends Without Becoming the Bad Guy

The most challenging part of becoming an NCO is leading people who used to be your equals. Just yesterday, you were friends; today, you are an NCO. This is the awkward zone in which all new NCOs find themselves. Moving from junior enlisted to non-commissioned officer is the most challenging transition. This transition is a critical moment in the development of a young NCO. If not handled properly, it can derail the team’s performance and jeopardize the mission. You don’t have to become the bad guy – or a pushover. You have to lead.

The Leadership Trap: Two Extremes to Avoid

If the NCO transition is to be successful, two traps must be avoided. I have seen both tried and both failed. The weight of your new role as an NCO is significant, and avoiding these traps is crucial.

The first leadership trap that is common to fall into is the hard charger. The moment they sew on those stripes, this person becomes too aggressive. They transform into a drill sergeant overnight, trying to assert their newly found authority. Suddenly, they’re making you stand at parade rest to speak with them. They greet you at the door because you are one minute late for reporting for work. They have the stripes, so it’s their way or the highway. This approach is a trap. It will lead to resentment and isolation. And you will only get out of your people the performance that doesn’t get them yelled at, the bare minimum.

The second leadership trap is the opposite: the people pleaser. They believe the way to build a team with high morale is to give the people as much time off as possible. When the standards have been violated, the people pleaser avoids the hard conversation in the name of harmony. They start allowing so many exceptions to the standard that it’s impossible even to know the standard. Instead of being a standard enforcer, they join in on misconduct. This approach is also a trap. It will lead to the erosion of standards and poor performance. This NCO has lost all credibility as a leader.

You don’t have to be a robot or a pushover. Find the middle ground, that’s where real leadership lives.

Reset the Room: Have the Conversation Early

To be successful from the start, set expectations early. Have an awkward conversation about your new role as an NCO and how your relationship needs to change. Discuss how you want to do the right thing and move into your new role. Acknowledge that your role has changed, and that role comes with expectations you must meet. Your attitude needs to be humble; you’re not better than them, but the job now demands more from you. Tell them that you can’t meet those expectations without their help. Make it clear that you want them to treat you with the same respect they would show to other NCOs. And that you will not treat them any differently than anyone else on the team, your goal is fairness.

Set Clear Standards – Then Live Them

So, you want to begin leading your team and avoid the first leadership trap. You have noticed that the team’s standards are low, and you want to raise them. The easiest way to change the culture is for you to set an example and model what right looks like. The small things matter. Are you holding yourself to the same standard that you want from your team? As the new NCO, you are being watched. They are seeing what you will tolerate. Do the little things right; be squared away. Your actions speak louder than your words. If you want your team to show up early, have high grooming standards, and be professional, you must be the example.

Discipline Quietly, Not Publicly

After you have modeled and communicated the standard, it’s time to make corrections when it is violated. The quickest way to destroy trust in you as an NCO is to criticize a team member in front of their peers. Holding people accountable in front of others is embarrassing and will lead to resentment. The best place to correct sub-standard performance or behavior is in private. Keep these counseling sessions professional. Address the standard that was violated without making it personal. Don’t be nice; be helpful. Focus the conversation on what needs improvement and how they can do it.

Earn Buy-In Through Consistency

You will not gain the respect owed to an NCO overnight. That respect is earned through your everyday actions. Over time, these daily actions will establish your reputation as a good NCO. Consistency is key. Be consistent in enforcing the standards – no favoritism, no double standards. Be consistent in your work ethic; do the hard work everyone else is unwilling to do. Be consistent in taking ownership of your mistakes and your team’s failures. Be consistent in choosing to do the harder right over the easier wrong. Your peers are watching more closely than ever; what they observe will determine whether they follow you.

What If It Goes Sideways?

You do everything above, and your friends resist or even mock you. The best thing you can do is remain calm and don’t engage emotionally. Stay out of the drama. If it helps, try to detach from the situation before you respond. When it is time to handle this breach in standards, pull the individual aside and address it directly. Tell them you have transitioned into the role of an NCO. You must hold the line and enforce the standards in this new role. As always, you will do better if you can build peer relationships. The goal should be to have a good relationship with everyone on the team. However, as the team leader, it may be time to seek assistance from a senior NCO if you can’t correct the behavior.  

Long-Term Leadership

Be patient with the transition to the NCO tier; respect is built through time and consistency. You can still care about your people without compromising your standards. In the long run, your friends will respect you more for leading well than letting things slide. Remember, you are an NCO now; you weren’t promoted for popularity. You were promoted to responsibility. The transition to NCO is one of the most challenging transitions a military member will make in their career. It will take time to master it. Leadership is about influence, not control. You’re not managing friends—you’re developing professionals.